NEWS RELEASE: April 1, 2016
By common agreement the residents of Northeast Minneapolis have officially seceded from the City of Minneapolis as of this date. The former Neighborhood has assumed independent status and adopted the less cumbersome name “Northeast”.
This decision is based on the fact that Northeast is 1) separated from Minneapolis by the Mighty Mississippi River, 2) renowned for its rich and diverse cultural heritage, and 3) politically and psychologically primed for independence.
Northeast residents have agreed to the following changes in policies, practices and priorities effective as of this date:
Purchase and rental agreements for Northeast newcomers shall include a requisite “What happens in Northeast stays in Northeast” clause.
Little Free Libraries in Northeast shall be complemented with Little Gluten Free Microbreweries to be allocated and sited in a competitive contest among qualifying residents.
The names of non-represented Presidents shall be applied to neighborhood alleys, beginning with the alley between Washington and Adams Street.
East-West streets (currently numbered) shall be renamed to recognize the non-native ethnic heritage of Northeast, moving West to East according to the year of the immigrant group’s arrival in the community.
The date of birth of each of the nation’s Presidents shall be celebrated (e.g. January 7shall be designated as Millard Fillmore Day. b. January 7, 1800). In the case that two or more Presidents share the same birthday (and thus same zodiac sign) the observance shall be held on the first Monday of the week.
A surcharge shall be charged for beer purchased by non-Northeasters. The surcharge shall be waived for potables brewed in Northeast.
Art-a-Whirl shall be expanded to a year-long event. Seasonal focus will be on snow sculpture with an annual Ice Brewery competition in January.
Volunteers shall construct a natural wall to complement the Mississippi as a dividing line between the cities. The wall shall be erected on the Minneapolis side of the Mississippi to ensure that residents of Northeast shall have full view and access from the East. The wall shall be of sufficient height to shield Northeast residents from view of the unsightly US Bank stadium. Cost of the wall shall be borne by the Minnesota Vikings.
The Northeaster shall be officially recognized as the Newspaper of Record for all things Northeasterly.
The Edison High School Alumni Marching Band shall be the official musical organization of Northeast. The official motto of the magnificent marching musicians will be “We (heart) the EHSAMB”.
Eat My Words shall be the officially recognized hangout for Northeast bibliophiles.
Dziedzic Drive shall be upgraded and added to the National Highway System.
Northeasters shall celebrate Black Friday with a bike-a-thon to the former site of Apache Plaza with a pit stop at the architectural remnants of Walmart.
Snow days shall be declared only on the occasion that there is more than 18” of snow or the temperature drops below -60 degrees. There shall be a half day of school declared the instant the temperature at 11:59 AM exceeds +70 degrees.
The Stinson Boulevard property maintained by the Stinson Conservancy shall be duly recognized and maintained as the gem of the Ground Rounds Scenic Byway System.
The official recreational sport shall be bocce ball.
The kolachky (spelling negotiable) shall be the official food of Northeasters.
The motto of Northeast shall be “If you love life, life will love you back.” (Arthur Rubinstein)
The nexus of Central Avenue and Hennepin shall be known in perpetuity as “Where Banks Used to Be (UTB)” and 519-523 Central Avenue Northeast will be permanently recognized as “Where Totinos UTB)”.
Pedal Pubs shall replace environmentally toxic bus transit on Central Avenue. Passengers will cover cost of transit with pedal power.
Northeast shall extend Sister City status to adjoining communities including St. Anthony Village, Columbia Heights and Minneapolis.
Northeast shall invite the Polish government to share BFF status. A Polish consulate shall be established on the site of Nye’s Polonaise where a polka-and-piano themed monument shall be erected to designate the BFF relationship.